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[30 Jan 2005|10:17am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Alright...So lately things have been
shitty to the extreme. I lost my boyfriend of two years
almost...and I thought he was the one. ButThen I got really scared of commitment and I kinda ran away from it...and I meen hes did the same thing with Candace .
I think Don and I have did our fair share of hurtful things to
eachother....But on the other hand I was not holding hands with
Nick whne I was over his house. Not at all...and this girl that Mitch
is dating said that we were....when the whole time I was there I was
almost sure that Nick and this chick were going to get togeather...and
I was with Don. Now I know i've cheated before, So its probably going
to be all turned around on me saying oh...Yeah you've did it before and
you probably did it again...but I haven't and im going to ask this girl
when she seen this because I know I didn't. Nick and I were talking
about things that have happened. I meen I didn't even see the kid for 7
months. The first time in 7months was
at his sisters funeral. Now I know in a way I made a really big
mistake...But I was so sick of being accused of cheating all the
time..I meen even when I wasn't talking to NIck. Don would question why
the phone was right next to me and who I was talking to online...and
push redial when I got off the phone and it would hurt because it was
like what the fuck is up with this. I meen I know I made mistakes in
the past and shit but you know I really love him..and I'm 16 just tured
16 and usally this is probably a guys problem but im scared of
commitment...Im so scared of it..Because I meen...When if we get
togeather and then we stay togeather and shit and then when we break up
im not going to know what the fuck to do...because ive had other
relationships and stuff. But this was my first serious
relationship...like real serious boyfriend. Ive been with him sence I
was 14....14 fucking years old. Now I know that he didn't treat me
horrible but these last few months we fought alot...His insecurities
were taking over the relationship...he was jealous..we would fight
about sex and stuff because ever sence all that stuff happened in the
summer...I just don't even want to hear the word sex and its not
because i didn't love him and its not because I didn't want to have sex
with him...but you could have put brad pitt in front of me and i would
of been like yeah right go to hell. We were fighting because I was
scared of commitment we were fighting because I was confused because I
ppl telling me that maybe me and him should cool it...and then i have
ppl saying not to and i have my mom saying no one else will care about
me how he does...and i have his mom saying it wouldn't work out if we
stayed togeahter...I meen I was confused. I didn't do nothing he hasn't
did before...besides the dave thing that i do regret with everything I
own. Now...even though this Kristen girl claims Nick and I were holding
hands...I don't see how that could be see that she was either on the
computer or in the living room and her friend was in and out of
there...and Nicks cousin.. and I even asked Don to go with me over
there. But he didn't want to. I have lost alot of friends...and I
wasn't about to choose one or the other...because I meen I would of
rather been with Don over anyone...Its not easy to break up with
someone you love...and there is such thing as being afraid of
commitment and just not know what the fuck to do...Well it happened to
me...and it happenes to almost everyone who are togeather for a really
really really long ass time...because you get in to high school and
theres just so many things to be insecure about espeically when every
girl wants to get with your boyfriend...and everytime you leave to hang
out with a friend he worries and it bothers you too know that the one
your with is bothered and insecure because everyone is insecure around
someone or something...Now ppl in my school are saying that I cheated
on Don...and it pisses me off because its all bullshit. So bad. I meen i'm sorry Mitch I know Kristen is your girlfriend and all and I respect that
but she should keep her mouth shut unless she knows what shes talking
about, Because of her saying that and what happened in the
past....theres no way that i'll probably get Don to believe that i
didn't do that. she was pissed because i was over there and she wanted
to go out with Nick. Now I knew her and Nick might have went out and I
could see it in the way she looked at him that...she really liked
him...and im not that much of a bitch alright. and when this girl gets
online im going to IM her and say why would you say something that you
don't even know is for sure...and ive been wanting to but shes always
on away...ALWAYS. Plus she wasn't around half of the time because she
was too busy on the computer or something. Now
Don knows I love him becaue you can't be with someone soo long and then
just say oh fuck that...I hate the or don't like that...and I meen he
was my frist real real boyfriend...and I think i'll always love him no
matter what...I meen...I just care about him so much and if anything
was to hapeen to him I don't know what I would do...I'd be right behind
him. Now ppl fuck up...Id have to say I fucked up alot but yet so has
he...and you know what...I learned alot from this whole thing...and I
know that...we were in love...and that at one point no one could change
it because we were so fucking happy...and all we wanted to do was be
around eachother then we both grew insecure and jealous. I really
really miss him...and this is just the hardest thing ive ever went
threw. I meen this really fucking sucks.
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[26 Jan 2005|12:12am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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yay for nick and i
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[25 Jan 2005|03:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
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| [ |
music |
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my chemical romance |
] |
well lately life has been confusing yet a bunch of fucking unwanted drama. Don is a confusing person...and nick is my f r i e n d. I don't enjoy choosing ppl over ppl..
I need a new washer..lol...its like it runs fine and right when I turn my back it shuts off. Bitch. lol sneaky mother fucker.
Anywho...Im going to update laters.
<3 the evil fucking bitch who owns this journal<3
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[11 Jan 2005|09:57pm] |
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under construction
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